Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Ed, Emily, Life, Family, Secret, Autism, Transgender, Adversity, Hope, Friendship, Father, Son, Transwoman, Happiness, Matty, Maria, Love, Peace

Hi, My name is Emily and I was born a boy but in my heart I knew I was a girl since age of 4. I am going through male to female transition at 52 and seen by doctors at Callen-Lorde for my trangender issues and doctors at Beth Israel for my emotional issues and severe depression. I had to come to terms with my transgender and finally knew what I had to do all along since I was a little 4 year old girl trying to free herself and live the life she was meant to as Emily though she was born as Ed.
"Little Eddie"

Matty in the snow

Matty and Dad (Me) Pre-Emily

Matty and Dad (Emily)









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Emily videos
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Life is not perfect but we must try to do our best and now I am out of work on disability I am now acting as Matty's advocate for his autism, educational, medical and personal needs which I need to do. Matty is now my full time labor of love. He is touched by Autism. I am touched by Transgender,

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Love to all and dedicated to my son Matty who is in the hospital. We are praying for you.
Love,

Dad (Ed)
Emily

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Emily with her new look for Transgender Remembrance Day 11 20 13



Emily's About Me Page, A little bit about Emily Who am I? It's complicated, I am all Emily as told in my fb page Emily's story: Life, Family and being Transgender and I am also the feminine evolution of Edward D Iannielli III who is very special in my heart and is still here but is happier more than ever since "he" is now a "she". This was something hidden from within for a whole lifetime and it took several tragedies, life events, attempted suicide on several occasions and finally a severe depression which she is trying her best to address with the medical team at BETH ISRAEL HOSPITAL who are helping her through the most difficult time in her life as she still is near breaking point with so many worries and burdens as she suffered a complete emotional and extremely painful nervous breakdown which has led to her inability to cope and work as she is very fragile and is still at risk for suicide. She is taking baby steps in her recovery and needs to be strong for her son, who is a teenager struggling with autism currently hospitalized at South Oaks Hospital for severe depression and behavioral difficulties. Emily wishes to do all she can for her son and family while trying to pick up the pieces of her shattered life and hopefully will find her strength to go on and live for herself, her son and her family. Emily Iannielli

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Emily's Blog on Life: Emily speaking on her life and family


Emily speaking apparently shy in the beginning but coming into her own
Matty and me (Pre-Emily) at Montauk Point, New York several years ago

Hi! I am Emily but it wasn't always that way for me. I lived a life with so many wonderful moments and occasions. I had wonderful parents. I accomplished many good things despite my shyness. I was athletic as I became a good long distance runner in high school through the guidance of my high school coach and I developed a lot of my survival skills from my coach's encouragement and his belief in me and the way he pushed me to do my best. I owe a lot to Coach Al Berkowsky. He was my mentor as well as my savior. I also had a mom and dad who were very involved in my life and committed to me despite their hardships.

I was always a good kid and I always had a good heart and I always remember having crushes on the "cute" girls in my early school years and always admired them as we moved on to high school but my life was not what you call normal. Since the age of 4 years old I knew something I had to keep my biggest secret and it was very painful as I remember crying myself to sleep wishing and hoping and dreaming that what I felt in my heart would be realized one day. I always though constantly about it and the only times I didn't was when I was busy with my school work, my sports activities and my friends. I had few but I remember enjoying their company even though I had to face my life and the outside as a boy who felt I was supposed to be a "girl" since the age of 4. I lived with this painful reality for a whole lifetime and I never told my parents who are both gone now and the only time I tried desperately to come out was in my early 30's when I wrote letters to my two sisters and my best friend, Jeff from my college days at Hofstra University.
Emily is finding her voice to speak up and uses her blog and videos to let the world know that transgender people are ok and should be accepted just as they are and accorded the same respect and opportunities as we all are entitled to

I felt cutoff from everyone and lived with a chronic shyness and never had the good fortune of dating girls. I always admired and appreciated them for their cuteness, their sweetness and their maturity. The main thing I struggled with was how would I explain my transgender to a girl and I was always worried if she would still like me and understand me. I was always a sweet young man but buried inside of that persona was a young woman just wanting to emerge and live life as a female. I always knew this was my struggle and I would have to live with it and face it every day of my life.

I went through depression as did my parents and I suffered from low self esteem which made me have to push my self even harder and overcompensate. I was a crazy mixed up kid who wanted to wear pretty clothes and just be the "girl" I knew I always was. Once I started college I had to focus on school but my biggest vice was that I would cross dress as often as possible and my "girl's" clothes were always worn underneath my "boy" clothes. It was like this all throughout my life.

Emily proudly discussing her appreciation in being considered in the Intuit contest


Emily's Blog on Life: Emily speaking on her life and family: This is my latest video uploaded to my Emily youtube page which I will use more in addition to my Ed youtube page. I talk about my current situation and include many links and videos. It is one of my most intensive works and it is a good way to introduce my new blog by Emily which I am very excited about.

"Little Eddie" so cute wanting to wear a dress

"Little Eddie" all grown up living her dream as Emily, a sweet and kind young woman and so happy and now a loving parent just like her mom and dad were to her as a "boy" She adores her son Matty and Maria who is a wonderful wife and mother!!!
 
An introduction to my new blog as Emily on Life
 
Emily reflecting on light moments sans wig which still is taking a little getting used to as I patiently wait for my hair to grow out!
 
All my love to my supporters, my readers, my family, my friends, my doctors, the AICPA and social media which has been a driving force in my coming out and helping me express myself through my emotions expressed in my words in my writings and my videos.
 with love, Edward Iannielli III aka Emily Iannielli
 
 
Life is to be lived and enjoyed, not to be painful and without purpose. Live your life as you were meant to in your heart as only you would know!
Emily
 
 
 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

The Struggle is part of our Life and we must be strong within

 
 
 

 

In Life all we can do is try our best to give everything the attention it deserves, to work hard enough to enjoy our accomplishments but not at the risk of our own health and to not lose sight of what is most important to us which is to insure the safety, security and financial well being of our family and the emotional support, encouragement and unconditional love we need to provide for our kids because they depend on us and we must set an example and try our best to be a source of strength and hope despite our imperfections.

I had a major life change, many in fact that all came upon me like an emotional tornado and completely uprooted my life at the age of 51 and now I need to rebuild it, heal, rely on my approved disability and spend my new found time to encourage and advocate for my son who is on the autistic spectrum. I need to dedicate myself to my son's situation and figure out a game plan that will assure our son's ability to find his niche in life and give him the tools he needs to draw from within to be his best. I have learned how much my son means to me and I will be the first to admit my weaknesses but I also can teach my son to accept and embrace his uniqueness and start to believe and move forward as I have in my own personal life. It is a testament to my parents that I learned to fight for what I feel is right for me.

If you think about it, you will start to realize it is an absolute impossibility that 100 % of all born boys feel they are boys and that 100 % of all born girls feel they are girls. How could that be? If that was the case then that would defy our individuality and uniqueness. It is a mathematical and a psychological impossibility for this to occur throughout time. It is more common that most transgender individuals are born male and transition to become female. It is not uncommon however for some girls to feel they were born the wrong gender. 

Logically speaking there has to be allowance for occasional conflict with one's birth sex and one's gender. I knew I was a "girl" and the sad thing about it is that we are told that we must abide by nature's designation of who we are, It is just not possible because Life is not perfect. It is what it is and that is the simplest way to express what makes some of us different and the real question I pose here is the notion of "normal". After all, What does Normal truly mean? . I believe it is a construct of what has been ingrained in us by societal view and that in my book is not reality.

My tone in this writing is very serious because suicide is a real major problem today given all the stress we encounter in life including financial stress which leads to depression. Now with a depressed economy that seems to be nowhere near where it has to be for our quality of life to improve there has to be organized leadership that realizes the severity of a real fundamental problem in our country. Our county's leadership needs to wake up, come together for the needs of those struggling and realize that most people are working harder and harder and in most cases both parents are working just to pay their bills while their children suffer because the time spent with them has significantly decreased. They have to start to come together and establish bipartisanship in a collaborative effort to bring a sense of hope back to all the people of this country who are trying to understand what is really happening in Washington.

Our lives have to revolve around healthy influences rather than the day to day grind causing enormous stress and making life seem more and more robotic. Hard working people need to find enjoyment and plan a family vacation even through these difficult times because our children need to have some form of pleasure and sense of normalcy in their lives and we as families need to have fun and wonderful memoriesLife can't always be all about work. We have to have a healthy balance for our own sanity.

More and more people are suffering health problems brought on by these stresses that could lead them to the emergency room or far worse, their premature death. My major concern is what will life be like for our children which should be a major focus in our lives because we can not rely on Washington because our economy has collapsed with a poor job market resulting in more and more families coming apart at the seams and the quality of life is worsening which over time can prove fatal if things don't change for the better. We as a society must learn that we will continue to struggle unless the markets stabilize to provide some degree of normalcy and sense of hope we can find once again. Our fears and concerns must be addressed as well if we are going to believe again in our government which will take time.

I'll tell you something that is alarming as it proves we do run the risk of facing personal struggle and great emotional pain which truly can be life threatening. I'm not playing games here. What I am saying is that many of us face the prospects of severe depression at various stages in our life or times of great hardship and if we are pushed to the edge we can lose all sense of hope due to our financial insecurities and our medical concerns brought upon by just living and trying to cope and find our happiness and some peace in our crazy and very hectic lives. One thing I have lived with all my life was when I felt frustrated and sad was that I would cry as this was my way of coping with my intense feelings of sadness of wanting to wear pretty dresses all throughout my childhood and adulthood.

Personally I am currently facing the prospects of mortgage foreclosure. I literally live in fear every day when I think my family and I may have to confront the very scary possibility of homelessness which naturally triggers my instincts and immediate reaction to protect my family through my life insurance as I have already met the two year suicide clause. This is a sad tragedy because the truth is that it really has happened to desperate individuals suffering economic hardship as they felt this was their only solution.

The better solution of course is to be prepared for adversity and structure a plan to survive potential or imminent job loss, failing health or forced retirement by implementing an effective way of saving as best we can even despite these difficult times we now find ourselves living in. The reality though is that it is easier said then done for most of us dealing with a 30 year mortgage and educational costs for our children.

I am also transgender which is very difficult to live with and I have struggled with it since the age of  4 and had attempted suicide as early as age 16. What saved me was my commitment to my school work, my dedication to my sport, my wonderful parents, family & friends and the belief that my high school cross country coach had in me as he helped instill confidence, discipline and a desire to do my best whether I win or lose knowing I tried my best. This helped me in my life endeavors and made me realize I can achieve if I put my best effort forward and truly believe I am doing it for all the right reasons.

Despite my propensity towards depression which I have struggled with as early as age 4 when I realized I was different from others I tried to cope as best I could because I had no choice. I had to be strong and a survivor. I just kept my girlish ways  a big secret. I hid it so well. In fact I feel I could go to Hollywood to win a lifetime achievement award for my acting, spot on as a guy, when in fact I was always a "girl" crying and wishing for better days ahead.

There are some families who are barely getting by and have exhausted their savings and are just miserable. That my friend is not living. It is suffering and although we are struggling to survive we must try to realize what life is like for those suffering from poverty. All of these sobering realities just make me want to just get away and go back to a more simpler way.

I am a CPA licensed in the state of New York and I am a dedicated professional. My CPA website which I proudly display here is what gives me some measure of hope as I try to pick up the pieces and try to just focus on what is most important that we can never get back and that is the bond we establish with our children. I have always been dedicated to the positions I held in my career but it did come at a cost as it brought me apart from my family and only limited me weekends to forge a relationship with my son but tax seasons were really pressure filled as my time with my son grew even less. As a result of the cumulative stress and my need to bury myself in my work for both noble reasons and an escape from my transgender struggle which eventually caught up with me.

I am now coming to terms knowing I need to recover having suffered from severe depression leading to a complete emotional breakdown brought upon by job loss, foreclosure threats, the tragedy of my dad's suicide 4 years earlier where he shocked us all by throwing himself into the path of a speeding train and our son's desperate struggle with autism. The hardest thing I had to confront as I tried desperately to shield this from my son who developed a wonderful bond with his beloved grandpa which I knew was imminent. I remember it as if it were only yesterday as he looked at me with a puzzled face and asked "Why doesn't "Pop" visit with me anymore?" I literally had to hold back my tears and try my best to tell him that his grandfather was very sick and God reached out to him to bring him to Heaven's Pearly Gates so he can rest and no longer be in pain.

I know my son's struggles with autism which is different from my transgender but I feel a bond because although our struggles are different we had the same experiences of painful isolation, depression, low self esteem and lack of friendships. It is so hard for me to see this happening with my son because I know it only too well. That is why I need to be strong and not let my son down. I need to be his "dad" even as Emily which he has come to accept as I can truly teach him many fine things about what he can do with his life if he comes to accept and embrace his uniqueness so I need to fight to go on so I can be there and help him in his life and serve as his advocate. We need each other to survive. We also are working with the school district to find an appropriate residential school upstate near the Syracuse area called Hillside. It will be a very emotional "letting go" since Matty is our only child and we will miss him desperately but ultimate since he is struggling and miserable and not able to behave appropriately we really have to act as loving parents and try our best to help him so he may have a chance and have as best a meaningful life. I know I will be up to visit him as often as I can and we all will cry as we send him off but we must realize our children too have to grow up and we need our son to be prepared for life and to find his way. We will always be there for him for however long we all live as family together and though there will be separation we are hoping this will help Matty to make strides and improve. We love him so much we are willing to let go if this is what will help him to grow, mature, learn discipline, find where his interests lie, participate in fun things, eat more healthy, come to like himself and make many friends. If this is what we can pin our hopes on and we see the improvement then we will finally feel joy for our son. That is all we ever wanted for our dear son Matty.

My dad, a proud ironworker who worked on the Verrazano Bridge in the early 1960's and the World Trade Center in the early 1970's was on the bridge there front and center on a cold windy October day back in 1963. I believe in my dad's attempt in trying desperately to pull his coworker up screaming to God to give him the strength to pull him out of danger he was consumed with grief but my dad had lost two fingers in a previous job related accident and weighed only 135 lbs as he tried to pull his friend up with all his might but it was futile because of his friend's size and in a moment of time he felt his grip of his friend loosen and my dad was about to go over too but the quick reflexes of a fellow ironworker pulled him back and managed to safely keep him in place. My dad witnessed the tragic fall of his friend which truly devastated him. The job site halted operations to do their investigative work. My dad was so shaken up that he drank away his pain at a local pub shortly after the tragedy and that was the beginning of his severe depression and battle with alcoholism.

Despite all my struggles I have been blessed with a very loving and supportive family, a son who means the world to me, friends who have stepped up and been there for me and my team of doctors at Beth Israel Medical Center and Callen - Lorde both located in the city. I am also very grateful to my attorneys, Sullivan and Kehoe who helped me with the application process for social security disability and in being awarded the much needed support on the first attempt. I am truly grateful to all the staff I dealt with, Jessica, Emily, Mr. Frank Kehoe and all the wonderful staff who all were very supportive and understanding of my situation and they all addressed me as Emily which made my day. I also can not express it enough how much the AICPA has been there for me and helped me immediately upon receiving my application and all my medical paperwork with a favorable decision for long term disability in a relatively quick time frame as I patiently waited out the 13 week requirement.

The joy in coming to accept yourself for who you are as a male to female transgender

 
We all find life to be a wonder, a joy and a miracle. The sad part of life is we all must have some pain to bear and that sometimes becomes too much and sadly I have felt like I had enough but my life is not about me anymore. It is about my son and my family. I have to be strong for their sake and find the good things in life for our own happiness.

Please never judge one harshly just because they are different. Accept them, Embrace them, Love them, Celebrate them and most of all Befriend them.

Autism and Life

A Father's sentiments on Autism

All I ever wanted as a small kid was to wear a pretty dress and Mary Janes and be accepted by my family, my friends, my teachers and by my classmates. Simple as that but our society has not addressed the health, welfare and need for the transgender individual or for that matter the struggles of autistic children that grow into adults. I have to try my best to teach my son to try his best, believe in himself, love himself, and become the young man he will grow into with maturity, happiness, dignity, self respect and confidence and find the passion he needs so he can make his mark in the world, even if it is within a 5 mile radius. He needs to learn to love and accept himself for who he is and never let anyone tell him otherwise.

Emily

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Emily talking about her transgender struggle and dreams 001






Hi, My name is Emily and I am speaking about my life and what it is like to be male to female transgender and the struggles I had to endure and face with courage and dignity when I came to the realization of having to transition. It is not so easy especially when you rely on working to afford your home and pay your bills. I also have family including a teenage autistic son who I would never want to hurt in any way. I love him and want to always be there for him and be his support system.I know my son has his own share of struggles and a lot of what he struggles with such as loneliness, isolation, low self esteem, lack of friendship and depression I also struggled with as a young kid. I know his pain because i shared the same pain as he now suffers with and I feel so guilty and only want to help my son and be there to support him as his father despite my transgender situation. The sad reality of living your life as transgender is you face many obstacles in your life and feel guilty no matter which direction you choose to go in. If you decide to not transition then you will go to your grave never being truthful to who you were and no one in your life would have really known the real you and your whole life would have been not truly lived and was all pretend which is so very sad.

The reality we face if we do decide to come out and reveal our true self is that we put everything on the line risking losing everything important to us such as our family, our friendships, our job, our financial security and we wind up spiraling into a deep depression that eventually leads us to the painful possibility of ending our pain by taking our life with our own hands. That unfortunately is the final act for many who struggle with being transgender. The suicide rate amongst the transgender community is the highest among any group of people currently around 50%. That's 1 in every 2 which is far too much and is very disturbing but a very true reality and if it doesn't change it means that many will avoid transitioning and will go to the grave never being true to themselves and that it could be considered like a Shakespearean tragedy.
Shakespearean tragedy

After all when you think about it our lives are supposed to be about living, being honest and being true to who we are. Many transgender live in painful isolation and can never find the strength or conviction to find their true selves. What is the point of living if you're not truly living. To live like that I would rather put a gun to my head and end my pain then and their because that is not living. That is being afraid and worrying about how we will be judged or perceived. It took me a long time to realize this but I came to the conclusion of not caring or worrying anymore of what people think. After all what gives them the right to judge. Last time I checked only God can judge and I firmly believe in my heart he will embrace us and accept us for who we are and not condemn us for being truthful to ourselves and everyone important in our life.

I am fortunate I have understanding and supportive family including a son who does understand and cares but I know it is not easy for him so I will have to make some compromises for him because I love him and would never want to hurt him in any way. The truth is I just want to be truthful to my true inner being and find some degree of happiness and be the "girl" I always knew I was since the age of 4. That is one of the saddest and most painful and emotional struggles one could ever face in their life. Most of society hold us as sick and believe we should be condemned and hated just because we identify as a gender opposite to our birth sex. I firmly believe we should not feel this way and embrace ourselves and never think twice about it. We should learn to love and respect who we are and accept and embrace our uniqueness and stop living in fear and we should absolve ourselves of any guilt we live with. Either way we choose whether we choose to transition or not to we will either face guilt or lonely pain and isolation. When you think about it who truly wants to live in fear and never feel truly liberated and free. After all we are just seeking help and trying to find our inner self and empowerment to live life on our terms being truthful to who we are so we will find our purpose and sense of self worth.

Accepting who we are
Emily

I was feeling down yesterday and I received a phone call from a friend and former teammate on our cross country team and the timing of his call was perfect because I was feeling very sad and depressed and my very good friend Teddy Canova reached out to me and called me to talk and offer his concerns and heartfelt wishes for me to be strong and reassured me that many of our friends from high school are concerned for my well being and wish me the very best. He truly touched me and made me feel good inside and made me also realize what a wonderful and caring friend he is. He touched me in so many ways and I told him when I can find the time and get situated with my mortgage and finances I would love to take a drive with my son to visit with him and relive our past as teammates and talk about our high school days, our love for our coach Al Berkowsky and our lives today.

I really enjoyed the opportunity of speaking with him and realized what a great guy Teddy Canova is. He always cheered me on in my races and here he was again encouraging me once again like he always did. I am blessed to have wonderful friends as Teddy and coach back in my life. Thay truly mean a lot to me and they truly care and they both touched my heart and made me feel much better about my life and living with the mantra of never giving up, no matter the adversity we face. We must find our inner strength and do whatever we feel is appropriate to come out of ourselves and set our self free and live our life on our own terms and smile and feel happy about our special qualities and embrace our self for the person we truly are with no sense of guilt. Life is to be lived and enjoyed and we should realize this each and every day.

My good friend
Teddy Canova 
What a great guy Teddy is. I always liked him from the first day I met him!

A little bit about me


We should embrace our differences and accept one another as individuals and never judge them because they are different. After all we are all people with feelings and we should live our lives in pursuit of our happiness.



Emily

My newest video on youtube
 

Monday, October 7, 2013

A Tribute to my good friend Sandy

A dedication to my good friend Sandy Nassau who I've known since junior high and all throughout high school and who was always a good friend and it is nice to see him again.

 I remember my best friend from Kennedy HS was someone I had tremendous respect for and someone I learned a lot from. His name, Sandy Nassau. I remember Sandy as a very intelligent and gifted individual who loved black and white photography and also loved to build things. I was quite impressed and enjoyed assisting him in his endeavors. His mom and dad and sister were very nice people too and they always made me feel welcome. Sandy would develop his pictures and I enjoyed hours with him watching him develop film in his darkroom that he built in his parents basement. He always had projects in the works and I was always asked to assist him. The most impressive thing I remember Sandy did was convert his parents basement into an apartment, drawing the floor plans and doing the carpentry and electrical work. Sandy was always driven and I am fortunate to call him a friend! I also remember when he also built his own pool table which was very sturdy and a lot of fun to play on.

My personal reflection of Life dedicated to my good friend Sandy Nassau

A friend in deed

I got to meet up with my good friend Sandy who was very kind and I enjoyed seeing him and talking about the days when we were kids and how I looked up to him and held him in high regard always. He was my good friend and we had a wonderful time just talking and I got to reveal my life now as a father to a wonderful son who I introduced him to.

I also went out with him to talk and eat and it was a bit difficult to leave my son but I knew he was in good hands and Sandy and I had to catch up and we talked about hoe my life has been a rocky road but I'm still the same person as he knew but I revealed Emily to him and went out in a pretty oink dress and the cutest shoes. I was all "girl" and that was my friend's first time seeing me as Emily but as we talked he knew I was the same friend he knew a long time ago. I explained my struggle and he was trying his best to take it all in but he was very kind and it was nice to see my good friend again. Sandy is a very special friend to me because he treated me like family. I will never forget the times Sandy would ask me to assist him in one of his new projects. It was fun to watch Sandy as he planned out with such dedication and seeing it through as I went along for the ride.

I try to just act like I always have with my friends and for friends who I have not seen for such a long time like Sandy it was my pleasure and I though he looked great. He seems to never age and he is the same good guy I always knew and admired very much. He was very respectful and very curious of my situation. He spent a good amount of time with me talking at the Broadway mall where we did some catching up and after a while he sensed my contentment in living as Emily. He still will need time to come to embrace Emily which is understandable as it took me 48 years to come to accept and embrace it. Certainly I can't expect my family and friends to embrace Emily immediately but over time they will realize I am still the same person just now I'm a "girl" but they only knew me as a "boy". They did not know my pain or my isolation and I managed to keep it a secret for most of my life never coming out until tragedy and a whole new me was coming to exist. Sandy was a true gentleman as he always had been and even treated me with respect and as a "girl" but still referred to me as Ed and that was perfectly fine with me. He is so kind that he treated me to a wonderful lunch and drove me home where we said goodbye and thank you.

Sandy is the very definition of mensch as illustrated below.
The definition of mensch  

I thank you Sandy for a wonderful time catching up and the treating to lunch and I will share this with you.

Life Lessons From My Perspective to Share

I hope we meet soon again and hope to spend a little more time talking about life and turning 50 among other things. I send my regards to you wife and children. Best Regards always.


The Best of Three Dog Night Millennium Collection
 
Wiki on Definition of Friendship

Emily
(but you can call me Ed)

Sunday, October 6, 2013

A glimpse into my life in my own words


Matty and me

Accountant's Life





I am a CPA practicing in the state of New York and I am currently on disability for severe depression and also now finally coming to term with my gender dysphoria which I struggled with since the age of 4 years old. I have had family tragedies and suffered from intense shyness and painful isolation due to my deep rooted feelings that I was really a "girl" and I knew since the age of 4. I always wanted to wear dresses and girl's shoes and i cried many times but somehow with the love of my family and my dedication to school and sport and my feel of having to overcompensate I managed to study Mechanical Engineering at a prestigious university, Virginia Tech which sadly had a shocking tragedy on April 16, 2007 where a gunman shot and killed 32 people and himself. I wish to not think of my school in that regard but back when I was a student and found the campus and school and community and town simply charming. I studied hard which was good actually and remember many late nights but I matured and learned despite my internal struggles. A few years after I followed up my education at Hofstra University near to where I started at Nassau Community College where I studied Engineering Science. I knew Hofsta University had a good business school so I wanted to enhance my engineering background with a business degree and studied Accounting and took the review course which led me to obtaining my CPA license upon passing the exam in New York State.

I have always been dedicated to all my educational pursuits and maintained that same dedication. loyalty and responsibility to my working career as an engineer and as an accountant. I kind of struggled all my life though with shyness and had a difficult time assuming leadership roles because of my shyness and my transgender situation which I kept inside virtually all my life until I reached a breaking point. I am a human being with feelings, emotions, pain but I always pushed myself to be my best as engrained in me by my loving parents who both struggled with depression and sadly became victims to it.


  A fathers sentiments on Autism
I now have a family which I always wondered about because of my unique situation. I am lucky to have a wonderful wife who is trying her best to understand me and is consumed as I am with our son who is autistic and struggles as we try to find the most appropriate school for him. I am now able to act as his advocate full time and make all the important phone calls that I was unable to do in the past due to hectic work schedules. Now I am making the most of my situation and also writing to help me cope with my isolation and updating my CPA website and social media sites. I found a way to use my time as I also meet with my doctors at Beth Israel, meet with my son's school officials and my good friend Carly who I view as a friend who is representing me as an adviser to help us avoid foreclosure on our house, a modest house I overpaid for and which has gone down in value significantly.

I am a CPA and I have the credentials and the background and most importantly the experience as a working professional. I do value my family and need to spend more time with my son because sadly I feel we have no choice but to have him placed in a residential school for his own well being but deep down in my heart it will be one of the hardest things we will have to deal with but the bottom line is we only want what is best for our son so he does not wind up having to live the rest of his life in a group home.  

I will continue to hold on and live my life and try to be a solid support system for my son and maybe take my life in a new direction as Emily, as a writer, as a sweet person with a good heart, as a transwoman, as an advocate for my son, for autism, for myself, for the transgender and LGBT communities and mostly for my family. I love my wife and son and they will always be the best part of my life despite my internal struggles.

I will also still dedicate myself as a professional CPA as I always have but now I need to heal and just do all I can for my son because when I am on my deathbed I will not think about work and how I could have done better. I will be thinking about my son and praying that I did all I possibly could for him. Work and career are important bur the quality of one's life and the time they spend with their children and family are the most important priorities and when you are raising an autistic child the need to spend meaningful and quality time with them is all the more important.

It's sad I have to learn this now in my early 50's. My son is 14, autistic and the most important priority in my life. The accounting and trying to make a living is equally important but health and family have to always reign supreme. I now know that as I had an emotional and nervous breakdown that opened my eyes and made me realize what life should be about which is your children and doing all you can to help them cope in life. It is a tough world out there and that is why suicide for some is the only solution as it was for my dad sadly. We are still trying to cope with the loss and my son especially as he loved grandpa. A wonderful father, grandfather and dedicated ironworker and devoted family man who struggled with depression. Life is not easy but it is what it is and we try to make our presence known and the ones we love we try to touch them and if we leave them as we know is inevitable we surely have to plan for their security and safety so we can truly go in peace.

Dedicated to my wife, my son, my family and all who touched my life!

Love,



Emily