Nobody knew but me!

I have known for a really long time but I could never tell anyone about it. It is never easy when you face adversity and also struggle in your personal life. If we could live simple lives and everything went according to plan we would never face such pain. For me it has been a long road filled with many ups and downs along the way. I sometimes wonder how I made it to this point in my life. I have come to realize how truly lucky I am and feel immensely blessed for having a wife and son. I never wanted to live alone or feel lost and isolated. I just wanted to feel whole and find my happiness. I believe we all are looking to feel good about ourselves and want to express who we are as individuals. I never felt free to truly express my true inner being as I had to conform and live as others perceived me to be. The problem was that I was not what others perceived me as and this caused me much heartbreak and frustration that not many could understand It was tearing me up inside and making me feel miserable so I knew at some point I had to make a change or else I would just wallow in depression and no one would know the pain I was going through. I could not even bring myself to tell anyone. I went for such a long time keeping this "secret" that defined me and was my very essence as a person. The really sad thing about it all is that no one ever got to know who I really am. I feel cheated about it and many who touched my life never really got to experience who I really am as a person.

To me that is so tragic because it seems that those who struggle with gender like I have and are not able to seek help live quiet lives of desperation and sadly some tragically wind up taking their own life because their pain and isolation is far too great for them to bear. I was at this point several times in my life and I had almost taken my life because I was just so sad and depressed. I had no one to talk to or confide in and I felt as if I was not free to be my true self. I had to make a decision that was not an easy one but nonetheless one that was instrumental in bringing clarity to my crazy mixed up life. At that time it did not seem like much but in retrospect it was the beginning to my becoming free and expressing my true self. I will never forget this moment and the ironic thing is that it really did not make an impact until 2 decades later when I really had no choice but to address my private situation.

The one thing I always seemed to have a gift for was my ability to write and express my feelings. When I was 31 years old I had become very despondent as it was a week before Christmas 1992 and I had lost my mom two years earlier. I remember sending out Christmas cards to family and friends writing simple words of Peace, joy and happiness and yet this was very far from my life as I knew it. I never felt peace, happiness or joy in the sense of my inner being. In fact I felt trapped and unable to express myself the way I felt inside. I was very scared and I felt all alone and I needed to reach out to someone before I became more depressed. Depression is very scary because it is like a deep hole that pulls you in and that hole gets deeper and deeper if you don't get the help and support you need and it can swallow you up. It is very real and it is urgent that you take the warnings very seriously because many have succumbed to suicide as they could not get past it.

I decided I would write a letter explaining my situation and write out everything. I wanted someone to know what I was going through but I really had to write it with sincerity, honesty and in my own words. So I sat at my desk writing and pouring my soul out on to a sheet of paper. I never did this before but it was something that saved me. I did not know initially who would receive my letter or how many I would write. All I knew was that I had to write the letter as I could no longer go on as I have. I had to make change and I had to be serious about it. In my letter I expressed my inner feelings of being different and dressing far different from the norm. I was not like other boys as I fancied wearing dresses and wanting to let my hair grow long. I wanted to get my ears pierced. I wanted to buy girls shoes. I wanted to have a girl's name. I wanted to be referred to as a girl. I was a girl. I wrote this out in a way that someone reading it would feel my pain and understand what I was feeling. I was too afraid to discuss my feelings face to face so I did it in a letter and I addressed 3 of them and only three. I sent one each to my two sisters and one to my best friend. It took me about an hour to write the letters and then the moment of truth. I placed each one into an envelope with a Christmas card and I put a stamp on each and walked them to to the mailbox at the corner of our block. I remember it like it was yesterday. I felt a tremendous sense of relief after placing them in the mailbox and I could not wait for the reaction I would receive. It was a very limited revelation but it was groundbreaking for me as I was reveling my deepest, darkest and most private secret.

It seemed that my letters did find their way to the three people designated but they did not really discuss it with me and I was very uncomfortable discussing it with them so for that brief moment of revelation it seemed to die and I never talked about it again until 20 years later after two significant developments took place in my life. In a span of twenty years from that moment I managed to advance in my career as both an engineer and CPA. I met a girl I fell in love with after being introduced by my therapist. I became a husband and a father and it seemed my life was very promising. I have come a long way which is very true. However despite all the wonderful developments in my life i did also face tragedy having lost my dad to suicide and a very close friend to premature death. Those losses were to great for me to bear and then it happened. The very thing that held me back, my fear seemed to escape me and i was no longer afraid. i felt I had come to a stage in my life where I was ready to come to terms with who I am and I was going to come out this time for good and I would never look back. It was my moment and it would be forever my defining moment and I would no longer live in fear. I would just quietly accept my situation and go on from there and I would then begin my transition from male to female which is something I was going to do at some point in my life and this was the perfect time. I sometimes wish I was 16 when I began my transition but then I realize how lucky I am to have a son and to not be alone. I have come a long way as I now work as a girl and am accepted and very responsible and very dedicated to my work and to my family. It has not been easy but if I could sit and talk to someone i would tell them to never give up and to find their way and never let others tell you how to live your life. You ultimately have to decide that and when you do you will find your inner peace and happiness as I have finally come to know. I also am very aware of my son's situation and must never lose sight of that because my son's life and happiness is uppermost in my mind and now that i have found my peace i need to help my son find his. 

I plan to write my first book to tell my story so others can learn that we don't have to suffer for a lifetime with transgender. We can make positive change and we can be who we felt we always were. We should never be afraid to be that special and beautiful person. I am Emily and I am finally able to tell my family, friends, employer and coworkers and that to me is truly wonderful. Live your life and find your joy and happiness because you only have one life to live. You may as well be happy!

Love,

Emily Iannielli

A new appreciation of life

I have always believed that if we hold on to faith and truly believe in the lord and ourselves then we will be blessed in our life. If we were to examine our life to assess where we are and where we want to be I am sure we would want to fulfill all our hopes and dreams that we always held on to even since our early childhood. I am not sure why but I feel we all at one time or another succumb to our inner fears and anxieties which hold us back and prevent us from doing this. We place restrictions on what we wish to do or what we feel we can do and then we wind up getting upset, frustrated and feeling like we had never truly lived our life as we should have. No one wants to look back on their life and feel regret. We all want to feel loved and accepted and have fulfilled our dreams like everyone else feels. Sometimes we fall short of accomplishing our dreams and we lose heart and focus of what we should be doing to be truly happy.  It takes courage and a willingness to challenge yourself to bring out your very best. We all know that our very existence is predicated on our true happiness and we are all in search of that.

When I think back to my childhood I see a little boy feeling so alone and in need of a friend just to talk to and share a part of himself with. I remember quite vividly my childhood and I look upon it with positive feelings in many ways. I was very fortunate and I had very loving and nurturing parents and two sisters who were younger and very sweet and kind girls. I still felt all alone because I was going through something that was very personal, very emotional and very real and I felt very different. I don't quite know why I had such feelings but I knew they were there and that they were never gong to go away no matter how hard I tried to rid myself of them.

It is no secret now but as a child and throughout most of my life it was my biggest secret and I was afraid to talk about it or tell anyone. I was all alone on this and I couldn't even seek a doctor or someone to reveal this part of my life to. I thought that I would never know what it really means to be happy or true to myself. I thought I would have to pretend that everything was alright when deep down my very foundation as a person was rocked to its core. I was completely baffled by this and not sure what I could do. It is quite sad to feel this way especially because I did not have a life threatening illness. I just felt unhappy and did not identify very well as a young boy. I truly felt much happier dressing and being a girl. I knew since I was 4 years old that things were not right with me in how I perceived myself. I just knew instinctively what was wrong but I could not put it into words and I was very afraid. I was afraid I would be made fun of. I was afraid that I would be laughed at. I was afraid I would never have friends. Most of all I was afraid I would be found out. So I had to be good at pretending. I had to push myself to greater heights. I had to be someone who I truly wasn't inside. I had to live as a boy when my mind felt more like I was a girl. I was very conflicted and I cried quite often and spent a great part of my childhood in quiet solitude afraid to come out and be the girl I felt I was.

I even struggled with depression but I was never taken to a hospital or administered medicine. I just had to be tough with myself and I had to be a survivor. I had no choice. I was kept busy with my school work so I did not find my feelings interfered with my learning. In fact I was a very responsible student and I did well but things did not come easy to me. I really had to study and apply myself to everything. I had to be tutored in math and reading but I managed and became adept in both areas. I was good with my schoolwork and I enjoyed being challenged. This helped me tremendously. Another positive influence in my life to help me cope was my ability to do well in sports. I was naturally inclined in playing baseball and actually won a great deal of respect as a good second baseman and shortstop from my peers. I was not good enough for the pros like Derek Jeter but I could play and I really enjoyed it. This helped me to make friends and not feel so alone in my life as a young boy. I still enjoyed the time at home when I dressed up in girl's clothes. I loved to wear dresses and felt much happier and dressing helped me deal with how I felt inside.

Despite my internal struggles I managed to live a fairly normal life aside from my painful shyness and low self esteem. I loved mathematics and sports and I excelled at both. I was interested in pursuing a mechanical engineering degree and also obtaining my CPA license. I even wrote about this in a homework assignment when I was in the 9th grade on my career aspirations. I wanted to combine math, engineering and business into my working life and I pushed myself to excel in all these disciplines.

I also married a sweet girl I fell in love with at first sight. When my wife gave birth to our son I was overjoyed and I fell in love again from the moment I saw him placed into my wife's arms. It was a defining moment in my life and it gave me a wonderful sense of life and what I needed to do to protect and take care of my son and family. I was on cloud nine and I was so very proud. I struggled still but I was so happy with having a son. It was and still is my greatest moment.

As a parent we all want to see our child happy and growing normally and we become so protective and want to always ensure their safety. When they are hurting we are hurting and that is so very difficult to deal with. I see my son as only a father can. I love my son so very much and I want to always be his biggest supporter and help him especially when he needs someone to listen to him. He is now a teenager and he is going through an emotionally difficult time in his life and I too still face my inner struggle which is a very difficult thing to balance. My son is my priority as I want to always be there for him. I know I also need to help him find himself and help him find a way to be happy. I know I also strive for my inner happiness and that is my biggest source of conflict as I have to balance my son's special needs with mine. I know I am not perfect but I love my son and I will always be there for him as long as I am blessed here with my wonderful family.

My biggest awakening is my journey of transitioning to become Emily. I know it is not an easy road and I will face many challenges but I am the same person though I dress and look somewhat different. I am still a loving parent to my son and I love my wife. I am just trying to find my happiness before I die. I lost my mom as she died at 49 and I lost my dad in a tragic way to suicide three years ago which still hurts no matter how much time has elapsed. I also lost my very good friend, Moises two years ago and he was a great listener and was there for me when my dad died. The hardest thing for me was going to his funeral. He was only 40 years old and he left behind a beautiful wife and baby daughter. It was truly heartbreaking as I embraced his wife and saw his daughter praying for her daddy. I had tears streaming down my face as I struggled with his premature death. This pushed me over the edge and led me to rethink my personnal struggles and led me on my path in pursuit to be true to myself before I too must go. I need to find my happiness so I can try to help my son find his. I now go to work dressed as Emily and I am referred to as Emily. I am back and forth between Emily and Ed at home as I need to be strong for my son in his struggles with autism and battles with depression.

The hardest thing for me is to see my son going through the same painful loneliness and isolation that I went through. It really makes me feel awful and I so want to help him get his life situated and help him to conquer his fears and anxieties. It has taken me a lifetime and I am still trying to cope. I will not pretend with my son. I need to be strong and truthful with him but I also need to be his father and let him know that I can even as Emily. I also need to help him understand that life is beautiful but it is also filled with sad times too so we have to learn to cope and deal as best we can with the heartbreaks of life.

I know in my heart that I will be there for my son always until my dying day and I will always love him and his mommy as both Emily and as Ed and that Emily and Ed are the same person and will be the best she can be to a child who truly is special in so many ways and who has touched my heart and has made me realize the beauty of life despite its imperfections.

Matty, my biggest wish for you is that you have many friends, you are truly happy and you succeed in every aspect of your life and you never feel alone.

Love you always, my son.

Edward D. Iannielli III
Emily

A special development in my life

For many of us a date will have special meaning and denote a significant event in our life and we will always feel good when we reflect upon that date if it is for a happy occasion. In many instances we have several that stand out in our mind and if asked we can explain the reasons placed on those specific dates in great detail as if the events just happened. I certainly feel this way about the day when I married my beautiful wife, the day our son was born and the day I graduated college. One date which is very recent that stands out in my mind and is significant is the date of September 5, 2012. I'm sure you all may ask me why and the reason is very simple. Before I tell you why though let me share something very personal that has been a major struggle for me throughout my life.

I have struggled as you are all aware from my earlier writings from a condition called gender dysphoria and  it has been a difficult road for me in so many ways. I can certainly open up now about it and free myself from all that held me back and kept me from seeking the help I needed as a young kid. I was very scared and not sure why I had such emotional struggle and I desperately wanted to find someone to talk to or at least confide in. I had no one I felt comfortable talking to however and I felt very ashamed and all alone not even knowing how to explain my feelings to even my parents. It was a very painful time and I am wondering how I survived my youth knowing how sad and alone I felt. I never fit in and the times I did I had to truly prove myself. I had a love of baseball and I had to do my absolute best to prove I could not only play but actually compete and play at a competitive level where I even won accolades and great praise. I was really very fortunate that I enjoyed the game and had a natural ability to play. This was huge for me because it helped me to make friends and fit in where I never really knew that feeling before. It was a great feeling for me and I never wanted it to end.

As the years passed and I became a teenager my situation only worsened and I felt very alone continually with no one I could relate to. I had no one to talk to about my gender struggle and the only times I felt happy was when I secretly cross dressed and wore the clothes I felt comfortable in which were designed for girls. I was completely lost and the only times I felt peaceful and good about myself was when I imagined I was a girl wearing the pretty clothes I always felt happy wearing. I never felt comfortable as a male and I always identified as a female for virtually my whole life. I cried many times about this painful dilemma I faced on a daily basis. It was quite hard for me and I felt so alone. I do admit I had wonderful parents but I felt I could not talk to them about my most inner secret. It was tough and it made me feel hopeless and just so isolated. I can tell you that to survive i always placed importance on learning and achieving. I was a good student and I loved numbers, mathematics and science. In fact I excelled in these areas and I was a teacher's favorite. It was this that kept me going and gave me direction in my life which helped shape me and gave me something to strive for which allowed me to escape my transgender feelings for a little time.

I always lived with my transgender feelings and though I was able to carry on in my personal life I never truly could escape my situation. I tried so hard to suppress my feelings and to pretend they did not exist but I was only fooling myself and setting myself up for what was inevitable. I never knew how my transgender feelings would influence my life but I seriously felt that if I distanced myself from those feelings I would somehow manage to overcome them and find a way to live a normal life. I was always trying to manage my feelings and emotions but it was not easy and I always had to pretend to be someone I truly never could be. I knew deep down I was a girl but I had to pretend otherwise and this was very painful for me. I have lived with a heavy heart and if I could relate why I would state it as follows:

Sometimes I feel so alone and wonder why I have so much inner turmoil. I never asked for this struggle but I do know what I had to do about it since I was just a kid. If I did not find a way to deal with my transgender feelings I may not be here today quietly reflecting on how my life has turned around remarkably with truly understanding and caring people who have come to accept me and provide me with emotional support and understanding. I am one of the lucky ones!

I must say that I have come a long way since I was living secretly and in such pain. I have survived my inner struggle. Sadly many tg girls lose the fight and succumb to their emotional pain and decide to end their life. there are so many who do not find the help and support they need and sadly resort to suicide. Suicide is a very real problem in the transgender community and I have heard of so many tragedies that I feel it is important to share my feelings on this. I feel many girls going through this are all alone like I have felt and they have no one to talk to. they meet up with tremendous resistance and are made to feel awful and have to endure criticism, hatred and prejudice from those most closest to them. most have families who turn their back and look the other way. I often wonder why for us life seems so painful and so many simply don't understand us. I truly don't understand this at all since I am a peaceful, kind, caring, sensitive and compassionate person. yes, I too am transgender but that does not change the inner person. I am a truly wonderful person and sadly I had to for so many years hide her and not allow her to experience life as she certainly deserved. Life could have been so much more wonderful if I could have shared Emily with all of my family and friends so much earlier instead of feeling ashamed and afraid to live and be her. I have cried many times and just feel like my life has been so incomplete and lost in ways that you who do not face this could ever understand. I am deeply emotional about this and every time I read or hear about a tragic story surrounding the unfortunate loss of a sister who just could not bear the pain anymore I just feel so frustrated and helpless. The sad part of all this is I do understand why this happens. I was almost there myself. I would be lying if I told you the thought of suicide never entered my mind. In fact I had struggled with these feelings of sadness, hopelessness, inner pain, prejudice and an overwhelming sense of hopelessness for most of my life. I lived in hiding and very secretive for fear of being found out. I was truly scared and viewed life in a precarious way. I was in deep emotional pain and I had no one to reach out to for help or guidance. It seems that what has affected me for a lifetime is not at all understood by society and people would rather bash us and tell us we deserve to die. they view us as freaks without even trying to understand that we are kind, caring and truly wonderful people. most people don't want to have an open mind about those who are transgender and would rather make us feel awful and not worthy of living and finding our happiness. I am so outraged about society's view of transgender and why there is so very little understanding and acceptance.

Is it really that hard to grasp the idea that sometimes a little "boy" is born with feelings not shared by many typical boys? I was that little "boy" who felt most happiest in a dress while clutching on to a raggedy Ann doll. for most of my childhood I felt I was a girl but I was all alone and did not know what to do about it. I was afraid and uncertain of my life. I became very closed off and lived with a pain that would never go away. every time i saw a girl dressed and looking so cute I wanted to cry and hide away from everyone. I did not want to have these feelings and the only times I was happy was when I could dress up and be that girl. I was so alone that sometimes I just wanted to go to sleep in a pretty dress and never wake up. I truly wanted to not be here living in such pain. Somehow though, despite my feelings I did manage to survive and do wonderful things. I was a very shy kid with heart and determination and knew I had to work hard to achieve anything in my life. I knew I was alone but realized I did have wonderful parents and family. I was just too afraid to talk about my feelings with them.

Not many people understand the gender thing at all. They believe if you are born a boy you are a boy and you can never dress as a girl or express feminine feelings. They believe there is no such possibility of a boy actually feeling more like a girl. They dismiss it and feel it is completely abnormal and immediately do everything possible to stop and discourage it. They go by what seems like a mandate from society that boys do not wear dresses or play with barbie dolls. What is wrong about this is that there are sometimes little "boys" who are indeed little girls from the viewpoint of gender. Gender is what you feel and identify as. Since I was 4 years old I felt I was a girl and knew I was different and yet I could not reach out for help. I was afraid and suffered so much. Of course I wanted to die. I wanted to be free of this awful pain. I wanted to die as early as age 12 when I was not able to be that little girl I felt I was inside. I had only one source of comfort and that was the secret times I would dress up and have a chance to be that little girl.

It is my hope that I can share my experiences and teach others that being transgender is ok and we are people who deserve acceptance and our happiness too. life is not always black or white. Sometimes there are shades of grey. I pray for all the tg girls who have died in their fight to be true to themselves and I applaud the tg girls who are strong and are able to live their life as girls as they always felt they should. Life is too short for us to live in pain and hide who we truly are. It is about time people and society understand us and take into consideration our feelings and not turn a blind eye to it. It will save a life and if we can accept and tolerate each other the world would be such a better place to live.

I am on my way to transitioning and I am working as a trans woman and I am finding acceptance and understanding. It has taken a lifetime as I am now 51 years old but I am finally happy to be true to who I am. for the longest time I was not able to live like this. i am taking one day at a time and I am there for my family and I am fully supportive of my son and I always will be. I am truly sympathetic to his needs and I come from a perspective of understanding and knowing what it means to be different and misunderstood. My son is wonderful and deserves a truly happy life and I will do all I can to help him achieve this. We will both be there for each other.

Let's find it in our heart to love and accept all no matter their differences. It will definitely save a life!

This is so true and this is my view of life struggling with being transgender.

Now let me get back to the date of September 5, 2012. This date is significant for me because it is the date of my formal start in transitioning from male to female since it was my very first day working for my new employer who accepts me without question and fully supports me as being transgender. I can dress as I feel most comfortable and I was asked how I wished to dress days before my official start date and I stated simply that I wish to dress as Emily and they were delighted and very accommodating of my situation which really made me feel finally free and happy. I was so overjoyed I literally had tears in my eyes and I felt a feeling I can not put into words because I was just so overwhelmed and so happy all at the same time. It was the end to my secret and it was the beginning of a brand new start for me.

I am thrilled and will continue to share my feelings on this and on my son and his experiences. I also realize how much my son means to me and I will always need to be there to help and support him and encourage him to be his best and to never lose sight of his hopes and dreams.

I will continue to write and share our life experiences.

Love,

Emily

The importance of expression

As I reflect and start to realize all the recent developments in my life I am truly appreciative and filled with a hope I once never could imagine I would ever experience. It has been a long road filled with many obstacles and unfulfilled wishes, hopes, dreams and realities for me, personally. If I could tell you all the things I had wished and hoped to have accomplished by now my list would be very long and it would be obvious I did not live up to my intended plans. I was detoured and found myself travelling on roads that led away from where I truly needed to go. Don't ask me why? I truly planned in my heart and my mind I would take the proper steps to ensure I was heading in the right direction. I actually do know why I got detoured and lost along the road of life. The short answer is because I was afraid! I was afraid to accept my situation. I was afraid I would lose all the people I love in my life. I was afraid I would face rejection and loneliness. I was afraid I would lose my opportunity to work and practice as a professional. I was afraid of never meeting someone to marry and raise a family with. I was afraid I would not be strong enough to hold up and be strong to my convictions. In my heart I knew what I needed to do but in my mind I was not yet prepared for many reasons. In my youth I was not yet ready emotionally to embark on such a journey and was held back for family related issues.

I so desperately wanted to be understood and express what was going on inside of me but it was not that easy. You see, I never was able to ever open up about my situation and I felt all alone and the only times I felt happy was when I could get all dressed up in such pretty clothes. For me when I wore a dress I was a new person. I was completely immersed in my own version of what I thought I should be as a woman. I knew from the age of 4 that I really was a girl. It was quite obvious for me to come to this reality. For others in my life it was never obvious nor was it ever known. I never had a confidante. I could never find someone to open up to and share my secret with. I was all alone and I was scared. It was such a difficult way to live and sometimes I wonder how I managed. I can tell you that I was very good at portraying an image and pretending to be someone I could never truly identify as. I dressed the part though to me it was very difficult because I was not happy. I wore clothes that made no sense to me. Imagine a girl having to wear guys clothes her whole life never expressing her self the way she was meant to. Girls are supposed to wear pretty clothes and dress up and enjoy such wonderful things. That is how I always felt. I was supposed to wear dresses and feel pretty to match my internal feelings and needs. I could not express my true self. I was trapped with no one to turn to and I was all alone and I just wanted to cry and be heard but I was much to shy and could not speak for myself. I was not yet ready and i was not strong enough emotionally.

I withdrew from others and pretended to be happy though I was plagued with sadness and depression my whole life because I was transgender and I could not tell a single soul. I had no support system. I had no medical professional to reach out to. I felt very insecure and was always throwing myself into my school work to escape my isolation and found that I luckily was able to do pretty well. I was very serious with my studies because my parents taught me that to suceed you had to be comitted to your school work and you had to try your best always and this was a common theme for me. It was what helped me to cope and survive despite my inner pain. I was closed off emotionally but was able to carry on and forge a life though it was not what I felt or wanted. I had to create an illusion. I had to be male in my approach to life since that was my appearance and how the world perceived me. They did not know what was going on from within. How could they? How could anyone for that matter? If I was not able to express how I felt how would anyone know? I was deeply affected by this pretend game I found myself entrapped in but I did not know how to escape it other than to dress up in total isolation with no one but myself knowing. This was my reality. This was my life and I was so used to it because I knew no other way. I was frustrated. I was sad. I was dying on the inside but I had to fight it and had to pretend I was ok but i knew I wasn't. I just faked it. I was always good at faking it. I came to a point where I could no longer fake it. It was a fight of my life and for my very survival.

You don't know what it is like to want to die because the pain is so intense. I truly wanted to die and I planned my suicide on many occasions. I planned it with such careful and deliberate thought to make it seem like anything but a suicide. Deep down in my heart I never truly wanted to take my life. I just wanted  to be free of my pain. I wanted to be Emily! I would truly be so happy if everyone got to meet Emily and see what a sweet girl she is. I am that sweet girl and that is what I always knew and felt in my heart and my mind. I can't help it. It is just who I am. I can tell you that Emily is just as sweet as Edward and the two are really the same. You will see that if you just give me a chance to show you all the real me. The me I had to hide and never reveal. This to me was so very painful and so very unfair. Why did it have to be this way? Why did it have to be 47 years before I finally said enough is enough! I could not fight this anymore. If I did I certainly would die and that is not what I want at this juncture in my life. I want a fresh start. I want complete and total acceptance. I want to be free! I want to be happy! I want to be me, Emily. That is all I ever wanted. I also want my family and my friends to stick with me and realize this is what i have to do, what i need to do and what I must do to ensure my very own survival. I want to see my son grow up and become a man and go to college and marry. I want him to be happy and i want to be an active part of his life as his father and as a girl.

I will never hurt my son. I just want him to understand that life is not so simple and we all are not perfect. I want him to know I love him and I will always love him. I love his mother too, my wife who also is very special to me and with her and Matty in my life I will be so very happy! I do understand, however if my wife can not accept this and then I will have to make the painful decision to set her free so she can find her own happiness. I would never force this way of life on her. I will still support her and provide a house for her and a college education for our son. That is my responsibility which i gladly accept. She will have no fear of me leaving her. i will never abandon her. I have several life insurance policies for her and Matty in the event I die and I need to have this in place because I love my wife and I will always love my wife and my son. They mean everything to me. i want them both to be happy just like I want to be happy. That is after all what we all want in our life. i don't care about the material things. I never did. Yes I need a car and we need a house and we have those things. I realize we need that but I don't feel I need to live a life devoted to material things. I never did and I never will. I just want to be able to live my life as I need to and still be loyal to my family and have the opportunity to work, make a good living, have a career and support my family and be able to live my life as Emily.    

Life is too short to live in pain for a lifetime. I need to find my happiness and I need to transition so I can finally be me, Emily. That is all I ever wanted in my life, to finally be me.

Love,

Emily

My thoughts on Life, Family, Struggle and Friendship

I have learned so much about life, responsibility, family, friendship, tragedy, joy and struggle. It seems we all have to have some struggles in our life just to remind us that we are human. It is what defines us and gives us character. We all must rise to the occasion no matter how difficult the situation we are in may be. Life is a testing ground and we must try our absolute best to deal with all that comes our way. We also must realize that we are not alone and that we must always seek someone to talk to when we feel like things are a bit overwhelming. We do not have to feel ashamed to seek help in our life. We all must realize that it is much better to talk our feelings to someone we trust than to keep them bottled up inside of us. What good would that do for us? It is very unhealthy to feel we have to face our problems alone and to get so down that it affects every aspect of our life. We have to be strong in our mind and know that we are just as important as anyone else and we should never let our feelings of despair bring us to a bad place. We have to trust in ourselves and believe that we can do anything we set our mind to. Life is a beautiful thing and despite the struggles we may face we must realize this because we only have one life and when we realize our own mortality we have to know that each and every day we get to wake up and share with our family and our friends is a blessing that we should always be grateful for.

I have a son who is such a joy in my life but he can certainly have his moments where he can test my patience but I understand this knowing what he deals with every day. I am very patient with him because I love him and I want to let him know that I truly understand him even though I will never really know what he is going through. The same can be said for me as my son loves me too and he accepts me for who I am even if he can never truly understand what it is like to be transgender. He still is my son and I still am his dad and that will be forever. My wife is very good with helping our son get through those difficult moments and she dedicates her life to helping autistic children which I think is a wonderful thing and I am so very proud of her and her commitment to our son and to all the autistic children and adults she helps every day on her job.

I also realize how important it is to have really good friends in our life. If we had no one to talk to we would feel very sad and it would bring us into a depression that no one ever wants to go through. It is so very painful and the best medicine for that is a good friend to talk to just to listen and understand us. We all want to have a good friend we can relate to and bear our inner most secrets to. A friend like that is hard to find and when we do find such a friend we should be truly grateful because that is a very special thing.

Family is the most important connection we have to our identity, our feeling of being safe and our need to feel loved and respected. When we have a loving and supportive family we find we can thrive in our life and we should never feel we have to face our struggles alone. We must know that our family will help us through the low points and celebrate with us the high points. We must always treasure the memories of family and appreciate the life we have. We are all special in the eyes of God and no matter what our weaknesses and frailties are we must realize that God loves us and will always understand. We just have to believe this and have faith. God will help us through any difficulty if we truly believe.

I have many views of life and what it is like to have personal struggle. For the longest time I felt all alone in my life never ever thinking things would ever be resolved but as I am older now and addressing my feelings I now realize there are people who truly do care and are there to help and that means so much to me because I have struggled for so long and felt so alone. I don't feel alone anymore and that is a wonderful feeling. I am now finally taking proper action and I know in my heart I will be much happier and a much better parent to my son and will always be there for my wife. I am not perfect but who can truly say they are? I think life is a journey that we are all traveling in our own ways and we all have to figure it out. I also am truly grateful for my friends who stand by my side and who truly understand me. I know it is very special to know that people are there for you no matter what. I will always be there for my family and my friends too, no matter what. I am grateful for my family and for my life even if it is a bit different. That is what makes us unique. Thank God for uniqueness! Life is more interesting that way. For my son I pledge to do all I can to help encourage him and guide him because my life is my son.

Edward D. Iannielli III
emily

Transgender, Parenting and Hope

I am a loving father of a son who is autistic. I have always been supportive of both my wife and son and I am very loyal and have always been there and intend to always be there for them both for my entire life. I also have been struggling with gender all my life. I have tried to live with it and deal with it the best way I could. I have supressed my feelings through the years with occasional efforts to address my feelings in a way that confronts my dilemma. I have always wanted to transition from male to female as early as age 18 and had felt I was a girl since the age of 4 - 5 years old. Later in my life I had tried to transition from male to female when I was in my early 30's and was seeing a therapist but was talked out of it by her which was very difficult for me but I was overwhelmed with the process and not sure how to go about it so I retreated. I was still seeing the therapist over the years and felt it was important so I could express my feelings. I was still living with my transgender feelings but tried as best I could to supress them and hopefully mask them and live as I was supposed to. It was not easy for me but I didn't know any other way. I was dressing as often as I could in womens clothing but it was in secret and all in complete isolation.

I was introduced to this "very cute Filippino girl" who I would eventually marry after meeting her which was arranged by my therapist and I was immediately attracted to her. I was very shy my entire life and I feel a lot of it was attributed to my transgender feelings. I very rarely dated girls but felt attracted to them and I always admired the way they were strong and how beautiful they looked. I also loved the clothes they wore and felt more connected to them in a way that most guys do not. I felt more like one of them and I was very attracted to the kinds of clothes they wore. I was very content when I could dress and it felt right for me too. I was living in pain though as I was not able to tell anyone how I truly felt inside and it was taking its toll on my mental state. I tried to find peace and dressing was my way of dealing with my situation.

Life is a wonderful gift and we all should be happy and appreciative for what we have and I can truly say I have a lot to be grateful for but I always felt I was born with a girl's mind and a boy's body which really caused a great deal of confusion and sadness for me. I was very upset and I cried a lot over it. I felt all alone and very isolated and I always wondered why I had to live with such pain. It was a pain I knew very well but no one else did because I hid it as best I could and pretended through a low key and sensible way of interacting with others. I tried to develop a sense of humor as well though I was very serious in how I approached life. I also lived 2 very distinctive lives. In private I was a girl dressing as often as I could in total secrecy and in public I was one of the guys playing the role I was entrapped in. I truly felt free as a girl and smothered as a guy. I felt so upset sometimes I just wanted to die but I forged on dealing with my transgender issues hoping one day I would realize my hope of becoming a woman to fulfill my needs and to cure my gender dysphoria.

As I am married, a parent and a working professional I realize my life has meaning and value. I truly love my wife and son and am grateful for the employer I have and the people I work with who are very dedicated and hard working professionals. I am very lucky and yet I feel such emptiness not being able to express the real me and dress the way I should, as a woman. I have struggled with these feelings all my life and it is so hard to find a sense of peace when this is an every day occurrence for me. I struggle with my gender today as I did when I was a 4 year old. Those feelings never truly go away and I have tried many times to deny them to no avail. Therapy really just makes me realize more how much I am struggling with my gender and my therapist agrees I am a male to female transsexual and I must move forward in transitioning for my own happiness. As I am in my early 50's my time clock is ticking away and this is my last chance to transition and find my true sense of happiness and match my physical presence with my mental grasp of being a female. I am truly transgendered and my only chance at being happy aside from seeing my son graduate college, find a career and marry is my transtioning to become a woman.

I wish I was not transgendered but what good will that do for me. I have lived in denial for so long and now that I have come to accept who I am and have found people who can help me I have a sense of some peace now as I start on my transition. I also realize how much my family mean to me and I will still be there for them and hopefully we can work through all the confusion that will occur. I am new to all of this but I feel it is far better being the woman I have always felt I was rather than a victim of a broken heart. I pray that everything will work out and we all will find peace as I go through my own personal journey of self discovery.

I also will stand strong and proud and I will be there for my wife and son and I will still have the very same work ethic I always have. I will not change and I will be happier as I finally live as I truly felt inside all my life. I just hope all the people in my life will understand me and accept me because I will still be that sensitive, caring and honorable person and I will also finally be the real me.

Edward D. Iannielli III
emmi

Coming to terms with my situation so I can help my son

As I write my blog entries I find it important to focus on my son and all that he goes through in his daily life encountering a world he only sees and one that most of us don't understand because we are not autistic. I am trying to give my son the love and support he needs and I find that no matter how hard I try to understand what goes through his mind I will never know what it is like to be autistic but I know I love my son and I will do everything in my power to help him in every way I can.

I do have experience in my own life where I have struggled and found myself not being truthful or open with my family with my own personal situation. I sometimes wonder why I had to bear such pain and feel so alone. I can certainly relate to my son in many ways because I too felt all alone as a child and I felt I could not talk about my inner feelings. I felt painfully shy and isolated because when you have feelings you are different from others you tend to keep them bottled up and repress them and you find yourself all alone with no one to share them with. When I think back to my childhood I remember a 5 year old kid who was very shy and felt all alone. I remember when I tried one of my sister's dresses on that was hanging in the laundry room I was very excited and happy. I remember this as if it was only yesterday and it was a life changing moment for me. It is very rare to equate something that happened at such a young age as a life defining moment but I say this because it is very true. I remember as a young child that the times I was most happiest was when I was wearing girl's clothes. I did not understand at the time why I was more comfortable dressed this way but I knew it made me happy and I did not fight it. I remember crying myself to sleep many nights and the only times I did not cry was when I was dressed. I was a different child when I was dressed in girl's clothes and I was so happy. 

For years it was like this for me and I remember not wanting to take the girl's clothes off. I always was content at night when I was dressed and I felt natural and that it was so right for me to be wearing girl's clothes. I felt the clothes were a way to be in touch with the girl I felt I was. I wondered why I had such feelings and it was quite a struggle for me and it was a very confusing time as I approached my teenage years. I remember being very depressed as my voice started to change and I started growing as a typical male while my friends who were girls were blossoming into young women. I cried so much during these years because I was so desperate to become a girl and I knew that it wasn't going to happen. It was the time I really wanted to die because I felt cheated in my life. I felt that I was cursed with a female mind and a body that wasn't true to who I was. After struggling with these feelings I had to find a way to learn what was going on with me. I remember a breakthrough I had when I was at the local library and I read an article about Christine Jorgensen who was a male to female transsexual. I knew when I read her story I could relate and that I too was so inclined to be considered transsexual. I really did not fully understand the gravity of the situation but I knew I had to explore what I needed to do. I was always trying to read all I could about transgender and transsexualism and I remember reading about Dr. Harry Benjamin who was an expert in this area and he prescibed a protocol that transgendered individuals must adhere to before they are considered for hormone treatments and sex reassignment surgery.

Life for me was like a mine field. I was doomed no matter what! I was either forced to live my life out as a male until I die which to me is not what I want or I begin the process to transition so I can find true happiness and match my physical presence with my inner feelings. It would be a long road I would have to travel and it would be a rocky one at best. To me transgendered individuals are people who are misunderstood and I believe they should be treated with love and compassion. It is a very real medical condition and it affects a good number of people and most transgendered people are married with families who are hard working people, professional and special in so many ways. I believe it is time that transgendered individuals start to find acceptance and respect. There should never be shame or guilt associated with being transgender. As I write this I feel that I am finally being honest with who I am and I am finally coming to terms with it. It has taken me so long to find an inner peace and self acceptance. I have always known of my situation but I tried to deny it and repress it because I felt tremendous guilt and shame. I was also trying to escape this most difficult situation and had considered finding a way out so I did not have to live in pain. I wanted desperately to tell someone and find acceptance. I could not do this alone anymore. It was killing me and taking all the good I could give away. I was finding myself hoping to die to escape the pain and lonely isolation.

I have always valued my family and I am slowly gaining acceptance from my wife and son. I have discussed my feelings and the pain I felt all throughout my life with them both. I am so very proud of my son because he understands and he is very sympathetic. It is very difficult for me to express this side of me with my son but I feel it is very important to do so and it is something my therapist said I need to do. My wife has known for a while but she was hoping it was a phase. It was never a phase for me. I knew from the beginning that I had no control over this. I was born this way. I would never choose to be transgendered. I am transgendered because God made me this way.  It is not easy to identify as transgendered and I only hope that I can find acceptance in all aspects of my life so I can make the right decisions that will help me to be a better person and find what I always needed which is a good support system to help me transition to become a female which is what I have always been in my mind. I did not choose to be transgendered but I have to do what I have to otherwise I will lose the will to go on and most certainly will die of a broken heart if I was forced to live the rest of my life as a male which is not what I am in my mind, my heart and my soul. Once I am whole and can relate as a female completely I feel I will be a much happier person and I will be more able to help my son and that is what I have always wanted from the beginning since I started writing this blog. I find the title of the blog a bit ironic but even if I am able to transition to become a female which to me is a necessity I will still be the father to my son only I will appear more feminine and will be much more content. I believe in my mind, my heart and my soul I will be far more able to help my son as a woman and I will still be his biggest supporter and I will always love him and my wife with all my heart. I am transgendered but that does not change who I am as a person. I am still a loving, caring and hard working person and I will still be that same person only I will be much more happier and I will then be able to support my son in ways I could not in the past. My blog will still be a resource I use to help my son and I will still continue to write and I will still be as expressive in my writing and the love I hold within my heart for my son and family.

Edward D. Iannielli III
emmi